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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Reschedule for the End of Time

I was driving around with no particular destination, teaching my young Chow to respond when my new Mini Cooper starts the beeping indicating the passenger seat belt is retracted. She weighs enough to activate the passenger seat sensors and initiate the beep, beep, beep, I am teaching her to circle in the front passenger seat and settle in a different position, which will fool the sensors. The training is going well, until she senses something, leaps into the back seat, barking and growling at my inert laptop. The laptop is turned off, at first I can’t understand her confounding behavior, and then the laptop makes noise even a human can detect. I pull to the side of the road, staring bewildered at my laptop, it starts to jiggle, and then the hard drive spins up, with circular puffs of smoke emitting from the USB ports. I stop the car’s engine and scramble for the laptop, fearing the battery will flame, the laptop jumps sideways from my grip, floats out of reach, then suddenly, all is quite, the laptop falls to the floor board. I reach for the laptop and quickly pull my hand back. The laptop is hot, very hot. Wrapping it in a fortuitously handy beach towel, I pull the laptop out of the back seat, using the towel as a sling I launch the laptop toward the lake, the laptop preforms a prefect ballistic curve, then one foot above the water it levels out, flies straight and starts to rise, curving in boomerang fashion directly toward me, at the last moment I drop to the ground, the laptop going through the space occupied by my head moments before, then it sails into the car’s back seat.
It’s that Mayan Time God again, I think to myself. Why my laptop? All I did was take a vacation to the Yucatan.
I drag the laptop out of my car and follow the Chow to a boulder strewn embankment, the Chow furiously digs a hole with me beside her scooping dirt and mud, quickly burying the laptop under large rocks and mud. I run back to my vehicle, then start the car and head for home, covered with sweat and mud.
Whoever finds it can have it. I needed a new laptop anyways.
 By the time I reach home the dog has relaxed and my breathing is normal, the Chow has learned to sift her position when the car beeps, so all is not a total lost. Feeling much better about things I walk inside, and there is the laptop on the kitchen counter. Grudgingly, I cautiously unfold the laptop and find on the screen the following entry.

I, MetaTemproChron, must commend my faithful disciples for adhering to the revealed truths, for you are truly deserving of the mind state ascendancy I promised. In this we rejoice, the future belongs to us.
I have an important update for all my earthly devotees, you may have noticed that Time did not End as predicted, my new savant Time Wizard has found an error in the calculations by the ancient Mayan masters of Chichen Itza. They made a small mistake in their measurements, which lacked the precision I assumed. Put simply, their cellulose cuspidate instruments needed better acicular endings, this resulted in a minor alignment erratum, oops, sorry about that.

They were using rocks and pointy sticks for instruments; of course they would be a little off. You’re saying the pointy sticks should have been pointier, I thought Gods knew these things?

The Mayan calculation that the precession of the equinoxes is 25,625 years is a little off, it is actually 25,695 years, your Gregorian calendar is off by 5 days, your starting point of 1 AD is off by 7 years, and you haven’t even considered relativistic frame dragging. We will have to reschedule the End of Time.
You humans can be most vexing, testing my patience, you are a mix of joy and sorrow. I shall reveal one last Truth, Do Not Feed Chicken Bones To Dogs.

Oh no, I’ve been doing that wrong for years!

I feel a moral obligation to post any message from a God, I am likely locked in now for future announcements from a higher reality. I’m going to do some research to try and figure this out.

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