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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Three second rule



Most males accept the validity of “The three second” rule, the belief that if you retrieve a morsel of food from the floor in three seconds or less it is still viable. There is considerable debate as to whether the rule is 3 seconds or 5 seconds, additionally females rarely subscribe to this obviously basic truth about food. This is an important question deserving an unbiased research and report.
The format of the experimental design presented a significant nontrivial challenge, for I was inspecting the disposition of millions upon millions of calories. There are ancillary questions about using your thumb to prevent dropping the food, or if eating over the kitchen sink, does that count as a drop? Rock solid science would be required to convince those females which consider themselves the De Facto arbiters of all things nutritional, based on their education and experience of the subject. Oh, really? Well I know the answer in my gut, the food is unharmed!
This is a constitutional question, for the constitutional guarantee is clearly stated.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Beer, Sports and the pursuit of Slothfulness. (I learned this in a Tea party outreach program)
The female’s denial of the three second rule, their ruthless insistence that good food be destroyed, not to mention the silliness of being seated while eating, all these reasons beg that females be regulated for the greater social good. Clearly the 19th amendment has wrought great damage upon the greatness of America, franchising the female vote is the root of all social evil. This question about the three second rule cannot even be brought before the Supreme Court, not with three female members, as any cynic would say, “the fix is in”.
Fully knowledgeable of the weight of this subject, I set about testing the validity of the three second rule. The first phase was to determine the correct time, three seconds or five seconds? With stop watch in hand I dropped a kolache to the floor, at two seconds the youngest dog snatched the kolache and wolfed it down. I wrote the observation in my note book and repeated the experiment. Now that the dogs were alerted, the kolache never reached the floor. Again I note the observation and then decide to modify the experimental setup by putting the youngest dog outside. On the next experimental trial the oldest dog snagged the kolache at 4 seconds.
I have now found the solid scientific basis of this self justifying conceit about food dropped to any flooring. First point, the time, whether three seconds or five seconds, will be directly correlated to the age of your dog. Second point, with cats the food will be stolen before it can be dropped.
Conclusion: If you can beat the pets to the food, it is still good.

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