Waiting for the start of today’s athletic contest I cruised
some of the Sunday morning talk shows. The following is a professionally crafted
tease designed to keep me tuned into the coming Cable News shows.
“Welcome to Cable
News, today we will entertain you with relentless outrage, anger, despair, frustration,
fear, indignation, fury, resentment, injustice, scandal, shock, horror,
insult, loss of honor, offence, wrath, disgust, and all other ungodly acts of
mankind.
We open today’s show
with “The War on Christmas”, followed with stories about the destruction of our
blessed American Exceptionalism. Our special panel of experts will debate how
civilization is collapsing. We have started coverage of the 2016 presidential
campaign, as a bonus we will review the candidates for the 2020 race.
The Ebola fear stories
played out weeks ago, and now news about Ferguson is getting stale and repetitious,
so we have brand new shocking narratives to titillate your fancy and arouse
your deepest anxieties.
Shows calibrated to appeal
to the superior intellect of our audience, those few who pride themselves on
being the best informed citizen. The assault on your liberty, freedom, Christianity
and wealth is documented in a fair and balanced way.”
After watching the promos I fled into my bedroom and hid
under the bed, heart pounding, gasping for breath with palms sweating. Even my
dog got spooked, crawling under the bed with me, convinced something was
terribly amiss. As we waited for the world to end, nothing whatsoever happened.
Eventually I calmed down a little, I pushed the dog out to investigate the damage.
She quickly returned with a tennis ball and dropped it into my hand. I found
this strangely soothing and normal in a world gone mad. Courage slowly returned
with the guidance of my canine companion.
Confidence restored I return to the TV. The game had started
and my home town team was winning. Life is good and I feel a vague absolute and total
desperation.
A jarring oscillation of reality sets in, a duality of perceptions.
My favorite team is winning: a North Korean sleeper cell is
planning my death.
Gas is down to $2 per gallon: a Mexican drug cartel is stalking
me.
Positive: Negative: Positive: Negative.
Deep in my subconscious a safety fuse blows, initiating a
soft reboot.
My vision clears and reality asserts itself. I am standing
outside a Starbucks, my wife hands me a latte. I stand straight and breathe deeply,
soaking in the atmosphere surrounding me. Crowds’ mill about, caroling fills
the air and Christmas shoppers rush back and forth. The commercialization of the
birth of baby Jesus, getting and gotting abounds, the joyous release of pent up
demand, the strange expression of religious belief using financial debt. God,
how I love America, I can not imagine a better place to live.
People are humming Peace on earth, goodwill to all mankind,
this stands in sharp contrast to the fabricated doom and gloom of cable news. I
see sisters hugging each other, I see children running and laughing, I hear the
jingle bells of cash registers. A frenetic joy as women complete their endless
Christmas list and the unfocused calm of confused males wandering boutique
shops.
Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen. Merry Christmas to all and a
most Happy New Year.