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Monday, August 17, 2015

This week in the news


This week in the news.

It is a busy life, places to go and things to do, few have the extra time to keep up with all that is happening, so, as an aid to my world-wide readership (both of you), I thought I’d help out by giving a short capsule of this week’s news.

-          The committee to “Keep Austin Weird” recently discovered that Austin is surrounded by Texas. The committee’s chairperson called for emergency meetings to determine the root cause of this crisis and any possible solutions.

-          Scientist have recently discovered a new category of fact resistant humans. Early results from the research indicates this disease is viral based and highly communicable at political gatherings.

-          In another crisis caused by Global Warming, a fire breathing bipedal dragon buried in the 1950’s by Japanese scientist has escaped from thinning artic ice.

-          In related news, Superman’s “Fortress of Solitude” was broken into by a fire breathing Japanese dragon.

-          Donald Trump is the leading candidate among republican presidential hopefuls.

-          The TEA party has released a new play aimed at recruiting someone from the millennial generation. The play is titled “When I was your age, Son!”

-          Professionals with the Rush Limbaugh “Excellence in Science Institute” working with OPEC experts have released the top five scientific reasons Global Warming is not real:

o   Scientist cannot measure temperature.

o   Physical experiments conducted in laboratories have no meaning.

o   Jesus is micromanaging the earth.

o   We are entering a new ice age.

o   Science is democratic propaganda.

o   Guns don’t kill. (Doesn’t really fit with the global warming meme, but our followers really love hearing this so we include it in everything we write)

o   The Laws of thermodynamics proves weather is fake.

o   Ah… did I say there would be 5 reasons? Numeracy is so over rated.

o   The full research paper is awaiting peer review.

-          Unhappy homosexuals are reporting identity crisis when referred to as gay.

-          Joseph Stalin, founder of the former Russian Soviet Empire, is still dead. Doctors report his condition as “stable”.

-          The dangers of Global Warming just keep coming, Dr. Doom, the dastardly mastermind of one-world-government was forced to relocate from Antarctic glaciers to an extinct volcano on a desert island, which she leased from the Weather Channel.

-          The super heroes club had its super-secret Artic ice castle float away, becoming a hazard in the shipping lanes.

 

So, there you go, you are now a highly informed person, ready for any water cooler conversation.