While watching the college bowl games I decided to do something useful with my life. I started some basic research. The computational power available to the causal amateur scientist today is extraordinary, using my skills as a polymath I would put it to use.
I entered all the accumulated knowledge of mankind. All chemistry, all physics, all songs, all election results, all athletic contests, all weather reports, all biology, all archology, all medical knowledge, all everything. The data was easily downloaded from the internet, basically I copied Wikipedia. Using some statistical analysis programs I looked for meaningful correlations, expected future outcomes, and the meaning of life.
I was shocked by the results.
- If the University of Houston wins the Chick-Fil-A Bowl on Thursday, December 31, Hillary Clinton will be America’s first female president.
- Clinton wins election, republicans file impeachment.
- If Texas succeeds from the Union, Austin will burn itself to the ground, then salt the ashes so nothing ever grows there again.
- Hats will make a fashion comeback.
- Women will quit wearing high heels, moving to day glow sneakers.
- Geneticists will cross chickens and pigs, creating a healthy bacon that taste like chicken … oh yeah, and pigs will fly.
- Trump advocates war with Berzerkistan
- CNN reporter ask where Berzerkisatn is located, Trump deplores anti-republican biases in Lame-Stream-Media, poll numbers increase.
- Republican war hawks declare war on Austin, demanding liberals return the University of Texas.
- Republican Presidential candidates declare World War III on a country to be identified later.
- President Obama releases his real American birth certificate, laughing at the right wing birthers and hums “suckered you, fools”.
- Archeologist discover that Christ was born on the 4th of July.
- Nefarious One World Government will be purchased by Amazon. Amazon introduces “Buy with one click” politician.
- The United Nations will be purchased by Google.
- The European Union will be purchased by Microsoft.
- JPMorgan Chase transfers America to Goldman Sachs in exchange for sacks of gold.
- Apple buys the rest of the world.
- Amazon, Google and Microsoft compete to produce the first nonpolluting, all electric truth-telling politician. Elon Musk notes this is not even theoretically possible or he would have already built one.
- Lady Gaga is Elvis Presley’s love child.
- Allah converts to Buddhism, Republicans declare war on India and ban Buddhist immigrants. Borrow funds from China to finance war. Speed of war declaration sets new Guinness World Record.
- Santa Claus is real, drowns when artic ice melts.
- Republicans repeal second law of thermodynamics, refuses to allow first law of thermodynamics into America. Declaring American exceptionalism will not be defeated by foreign ideas.
- Republicans praise all volunteer army, declare “fight till you die” deployment policy. Senator Cruz tells Rush Limbaugh that dead soldiers don’t draw a pension. Rush applauds republican fiscal responsibility.
- Republican Christians demand Muslim war during “Peace on Earth – Goodwill to all mankind” Christmas celebration.
- Climate change hockey stick graph is verified, republicans ban hockey sticks.
- War on women joined by war on science, republicans’ borrow money from China to celebrate.
Darn it! The HP printer just broke, sorry I can’t print the rest of my discoveries, and there are pages and pages of them. I will continue to mine the world’s data and provide any additional discoveries as I discover them, and get a new printer.